Why I Love Bill Simmons

While on vacation I started reading a book by my favorite sportswriter, Bill Simmons. He is a 30 something diehard sports fan who hails from Boston. Simmons is the #1 writer for ESPN. He is first and foremost a basketball guy, which I like, and probably 80% of his columns have to do with the Boston sports scene. He has been in heaven in the 2000's. The Patriots are the most dominant NFL team of this decade, the Red Sox finally broke their curse in 2004 and the Celtics came out of nowhere last year to win the NBA Title. Bill Simmons introduced me to ESPN.com's NBA Trade Machine (it's so great), made me believe that Larry Bird is the greatest white athlete ever, and showed me how a fan should love it's hometown sports teams.

People routinely make fun of me for my "man crush" on Bill Simmons. But those same people like to hang out with me. Folks, I get my sports humor from Mr. Simmons. Here are 3 of my favorite things to do...all of which I picked up from Bill Simmons:

1. Point out look-a-likes. I have 2/3rds of The City Church choir casted if they ever want to make a movie. Seriously, stand next to me during worship and I'll point out Mr. Incredible, Wolverine from X-Men, Emmitt Smith, and the bird lady from Home Alone 2. You don't know me if you've never heard me utter, "Why is _____ _____ over there by the trash can?"

2. Come up with theories. I know some of you get annoyed and think I'm looney for my theories. Simmons calls himself the "Vice President of Common Sense". In high school, I filled out a NCAA Tournament bracket under the name of "The Voice of Reason"...somehow my principal (ironically the one running the pool) knew it was my bracket. I truly feel that I could run sports teams better than 50% of the guys out there. Why? Just use some sound reasoning. Anyways, back to my theories. Most, of course, are sports related. But others have centered around topics such as getting your parents to pay for stuff (example: not bringing up the topic of buying you a car when you're 16 until they realize that YOU could drive your sister to school everyday...worked like a charm).

3. Rich Man, Poor Man, Homeless Man. I can only use these with certain people. For you basketball fans, I call my friend Zach Zeis "A Poor Man's Carlos Boozer". This isn't a look alike...but there are similarities in some ways. In the "Zeis - Boozer" example: both are physical basketball players, both are guys you want on your team and both can grow massive amounts of facial hair. Obviously I can't share these comparisons with everyone because you need to know both parties well to see the correlation. Here are some examples that you may catch. Houston Hey is a poor mans Marty Sampson, Benny Perez is a poor mans George Lopez, Colby Jones is a poor mans Wes Dunn, the BlackBerry Bold is the poor mans iPhone, Tully's is the poor mans Starbucks, Woodinville is the poor mans Kirkland. You might be wondering...what about the "Homeless Man"? Well, that is when it's really a stretch. Such as: Taco Bell is a homeless man's Chipotle, Cuba Gooding Jr is a homeless man's Denzel Washington and Yakima is a homeless man's Palm Springs. Make sense now?

Bill Simmons has had quite the impact on me. I'm reading his book about the Red Sox. I don't even like the Red Sox...but his writing is just too goo. All of us have random people that impact us. One of mine is Bill Simmons. I know that 99% of you won't ever read any of his articles / books or listen to any of his podcasts. Thats fine. I plan on becoming a homeless man's Bill Simmons.

People I Don't Change The Channel On

So it's Ken Griffey JR's first game back in Seattle. Everyone in the stadium seems jacked up about it and I know that I scheduled my trips to the pool around the first few innings of this game. (I'm on vacation in Palm Springs). I was not going to miss Griffey coming up to the plate. This re-sparked something that i've thought about quite a bit. Who are the people I don't change the channel on? This doesn't mean that I'm gonna watch the whole Mariners game. But, throughout this season, if i'm surfing the stations and I see that Griffey is up...then i'm gonna stop and see what happens.

LeBron James: So much potential for a highlight. I have to remind myself that this guy is the best athlete we've ever seen. He could play any sport. Do you think he could be stopped as a wide receiver? How many homers would he rob if he was playing centerfield? What if he was the goalie for the US in the World Cup: nothing would get by him.

Steve Pool: I don't change the channel because I am mesmerized by his hairline. It's immaculate. Plus, the weather report only takes a few minutes. And it's pertinent information. KOMO 4 has me when it comes to watching the weather report.

TD Jakes: Best preacher around. I at least wait till a commercial to change it. If I change the channel earlier...won't I be struck with lightning or something?

Tiger Woods: I have and will never change the channel on Tiger when he's up at the ball. The most dominating athlete of my lifetime. Maybe ever. Sidenote: Tiger is lucky he plays a hat where a hat is typical garb. He looks about 20 years older without one.

It takes more than someone being your favorite or being the best at what they do to be "unchangeable". Tim Duncan is my favorite basketball player...but I'll change the channel on him. Larry King is the best interviewer...but he's on all the time. Michael Phelps was unchangeable for 2 weeks...but now I change the channel as fast as possible when he's on a commercial. The people that you don't change the channel on someone intrigue you in a way that no one else can.

Who are some people that you don't change the channel on?

4 Things I'll Never Do

This is a list (not comprehensive) of things that I will never do. Ever. Like, you'd have to get into six figures before I even entertain your offer. I will never...

4. Watch Twilight This shouldn't need explaining. But in todays world...it does. Why would I want to watch a movie about a girl falling in love with a vampire? This is stupid. Vampires are so unreliable. The only vampire you can count on is Count Dracula from Sesame Street.

3. Disown SportsCenter People often ask me my favorite TV show. I usually give them the pecking order of The Office, LOST, 24 and American Idol. I assume that people realize that SportsCenter is at the top of the list. It's like the Bible on the top of the bestseller list. It's just a given fact that the Bible is the best. Nothing beats SportsCenter.

2. Understand Rugby I have had Australians, Englishmen, New Zealanders, Samoans and even Canadians try and explain this sport to me. I don't understand it...AT ALL. From what I hear the term "rugby" can mean Rugby League, Rugby Union or Australian Rules Football. These are similar but not the same. Kind of like the Triune Godhead. Any game with a "scrum" isn't a game for me.

1. Pull An All Nighter Never done it, don't feel that I'm missing out. I did stay up till 6:00 AM once at my friend Dylan's house. We were playing this game for GameCube called Dirt 2 Daytona. We played Nascar races in their full mode. Like, not in the shortened laps mode. We drove the full 5oo miles of Daytona. Multiple times over. Pretty much ruined any and all desire to stay up all night.